Sometimes Even Superman Needs Help From His Friends

I am curious if all women feel this way...  I am always looking for ways to improve myself, my life, my family, my home.  I embrace change and I actually enjoy change.  I always thought that was a good quality in my self and now I am wondering if it means I am fickle?  Do I change my mind too often?  Do I hate to follow through?  Do I know how to follow through?  Am I dissatisfied with my life.

All I have ever wanted to be, for as long as I can remember, is a mother.  I had motherly instincts of love and care and responsibility from a tender young age.  I was always looking out for the underdog.  I was always able to relate to older women in conversations about life.  I loved taking care of cousins younger than myself and I loved babysitting once I was old enough to be trusted and certified of course.  I always wanted to have children of my own to love and help grow and take care of, so much so that I had alot of trouble declaring a major in college.
I wanted to be a drama teacher, but they dropped my major.  This sent me into a crazy tailspin of all kinds of considerations from a social worker (too emotional for this deep feeler) to an interior designer( except I didn't give a crap about all the different kinds of chairs out there) to eventually settling on Art Education where I could teach children and help them appreciate things that I appreciated about art.  I still have a love affair with art.  I still create and consider myself an artist.  I have a fascination for cubism and Picasso.  I adore Gothic Cathedrals.  I had this dream, as a young twenty-something, to pack my backpack and travel Europe to see the amazing cathedrals I studied in Art History classes throughout college.  It was my dream vacation.  Of course now as a mother of 2 and wife to my sweetheart husband the thought of all of us having that kind of vacation sounds like no fun, too many logistics, too much traveling. Bring on the beach!!

Anyway, one thing that has never been in question is the fact that I wanted my babies.  I have always wanted them and they are perfect and they are mine.  I have really high expectations of myself though and my struggle is, not only do I want to be a great Mom, which I believe I am, but I want to be the BEST Mom.  Like EVER.  In the whole history of the world!  This in turn makes me have Mommy Guilt constantly for every little thing I do or don't do for my kids.  Guilt about not spending enough time with them on one isolated day, not taking them on enough outings one week, not sitting down to play and enjoy them enough.  People have always complimented me on what a good Mother I am.  Telling me how much they can see I love my children.  Telling me how it seems like I do anything and everything for them and I am a super Mom.  I love to hear these things, I love to give to my children and do things with them, teach them and show them my love.  But I have been struggling.  I have been struggling with thoughts of not being good enough.  I have been feeling terrible about anything and everything and I have, at times, felt like I can't be a good Mom for my kids.  I work too much, I don't get enough sleep, and in reality I have lost who I am when I became their mother.  I define myself by being their mother and although there is nothing wrong with that, what good can I be to them if I am not taking care of myself and my own needs???

I have found this to be a very taboo topic among mothers that many do not talk about and do not share.  The feeling of inadequacy as your child's mother due to the stresses and responsibilities of life in general.  The full time job you have raising your children, running your household and being responsible for your family all the while holding down another job as well.  Why don't we talk about this?  Why don't we share?
I have always been jealous of the Mom who seemed to be able to keep the house clean, stay organized and never seems to have an off day.  Guess what? This Mom doesn't exist!  All of us have off days, messy house days, sweatpants days and cereal for dinner days and that doesn't mean we are careless, irresponsible or don't love our children. 

It is so hard for us to ask for help, to admit we need help.  We have put our needs to the side to be everything and everyone for our children because of the love we have for them.  I am admitting that I need help.  I can't do it all.  I don't want to do it all.  I want girlfriend's who will chat about this with me and keep it light so I can laugh at some of these times.

I am reaching out.  I am writing about it.  I am talking about it.  I am not "super mom" all the time and I can't be.  It doesn't matter how much I want to be, I can't be.  It has been really hard to come to grips with for me.  I am a perfectionist who has way too high expectations of myself.

I was talking to someone who said to me, "There is no question IF you love your children.  The question is Do they FEEL loved by you?"  This question broke it all down for me and hopefully for you too.  I can honestly say that in all my moments of impatience or weakness, being tired or fed up, my babies KNOW that I love them and they FEEL my love for them each day and no matter what that will never change.