Scared to Death

Facing your own mortality is something that I have never experienced before...now.  This may seem so silly to my readers out there but honestly I am having some major issues.
My belly has been having troubles for about a year and a half.  Some scary symptoms and I knew long ago I needed to check with the doctor on this.  I put it off...for over a year. I finally went to my family doc who sent me to a GI doc who says I need a colonoscopy.

All joking aside-cause I can hear the laughs and I am being serious here.  I am terrified.  I am NOT scared of the prep day, which I hear is the worst part.  I am NOT scared of the actual procedure, which I hear you don't even remember.  It is the results I am scared of, terrified really.  I have been on the verge of tears all week knowing this is coming. 

You see, for those of you who don't know, my cousin TeeSha lost her battle with cancer just a few years ago.  She started with stomach problems they attributed to an ulcer, was diagnosed with crohn's disease, eventually was diagnosed with a rare cancer of the jejunum.  She fought hard, had many surgeries, many treatments and lost her battle in her thirties.  Since then, I can hardly even stop to think about what happened because it just tears me up inside and is devastating each time I think about it.  She left behind a husband, three children, her parents, her grandparents and her sister. Not to mention all of her cousins and friends.  She was one of the most outgoing, loud-in a great way- and funny persons in my life and in the history of the world I am sure.  I guess you could say this is something I have never let myself deal with properly since she passed.

Now I am having belly troubles and within a week I will know if it is something serious or not.  By ignoring it for the last year and a half I have avoided facing my mortality.  Now I am staring it smack in the kisser and I am really struggling.  This isn't a plea for prayers or advice.  This isn't a pity party or anything like that.  If this is anything at all it is me remembering my cousin and being real.  Real about life.  Real about death and real about how I am terrified of it.