I have always been good with kids and I have always enjoyed them so much. I feel that they are important and they should know, from an adult, that they matter to us. I have always been really patient with children and have known from a young age that I wanted to be a mother more than any other thing I have ever wanted to be.
When I had a classroom full of children, I loved them all as if they were my own. I made sure to make each and every one of them feel special and that I was happy to see them and spend each day with them. We played and learned alongside each other, making me even more anxious to have my own children someday. When I nannied for the Fox children I truly felt like they were mine. I was so grateful to their parents for sharing them with me. The love and the fun that we had together was amazing and honestly they were my very first "children." I still love them like they are mine and they just solidified that I was meant to be a mother.
I have been a mother now for almost 6 years and let me tell you, it is not all I dreamed it to be. I love these guys so very much and have never loved anyone or anything more BUT I have never been so frustrated with people in my life! I don't know what has happened to me. I have NO PATIENCE, while I used to be the one that was so very patient. I am so tired of everyone asking me to do something for them constantly all day long. Parenting is exhausting.
I used to pride myself in the fact that little Henry and I had places to go, outings to explore, parks to check out and projects to do day after day. I NEVER turned the tv on and he was getting so many experiences and it was a blast. I felt so lucky to be able to stay home with him and give him all of this and more. He spoke so quickly and learned so much, just from being with an adult all day long and I loved spending the days with him. I loved it so much that after a year and a half, I was ready to have us another little pal.
Along came Callie, a sweet baby girl, and I was so nervous that I wouldn't know what to do with a girl and that I wouldn't be able to figure it out, but I looked at her sweet face and fell in love. It was a learning curve for all of us. I had to juggle two children and Henry had to learn how to "wait" a completely foreign concept to him since he was the only child and first grandchild. The kid never had to wait for anything a day in his life. She was an easy as pie infant. Most of the time I was checking to see if she was still ALIVE because she was so quiet and easy going. She was a drastic change from colicky Henry who had a witching hour from 3pm until he went to bed each night for months. They were so different and it was so exciting.
Fast forward to a 5 1/2 almost 6 year old and a 3 1/2 almost 4 year old and I wonder where those adorable easy babies went! Each day brings new challenges and I feel like I belong in a nuthouse! There is this whole new dynamic that is sometimes amazing and sometimes just awful. Easy Callie turned into someone so difficult I wonder where I went wrong with her. Did I not let her cry it out enough? Did I not MAKE her cry enough? Am I a total pushover because I think she is so cute? I have asked my own parents, "What was I like as a child?" to see if I am being punished for my own rotten little girl attitude. This chick can't take no for an answer, she doesn't respond to regular discipline, she has an attitude that I can't figure out and she must do everything her own way with no help unless she DEMANDS it from you in her frustration. She is so particular about every little thing that I want to tear my hair out. When I put her in time out, she just gets on up and stomps in the room and sticks her tongue out at me! When Daddy puts her in time out, she stays there and cries. What in the world???
I have gone from a Mom that used to love outings and never turn on the tv to a Mom who is contemplating getting video games so I don't have to deal with their crap! They fight with each other and do things just to be mean to each other. The little boy who used to adore his sister and fell in love at first sight, now throws her toys down the stairs just to make her cry and calls her names and says "I won't be your best friend." The quiet sweet little girl has turned into a monster with an attitude. I have started to regret my decision to stay home with them. Something I have wanted and worked for all my life. I am thinking about selling our house and moving into a trailer somewhere just so I can afford day care for Little Miss!
I am out of patience and even the simplest of tasks feels like a huge weight on my shoulders. I work so hard and try so hard to give them the best and they appreciate NONE of it. I am still logical though, I know they are just kids and they don't understand the depth of my love for them or all of the sacrifices I make for them. I know they don't understand that not all kids have a Mommy that picks them up after school and makes their lunch. I know they don't understand that alot of families have a Mom and Dad who work long hours and not as much time to spend together as a family. They don't value a family meal or a meal PERIOD. They don't know that family time and family outings are special and we make them a priority. Every kid doesn't have a zoo pass or an aquarium pass. Every kid doesn't go to the library each week to get new books and movies and learn how the world works. Every kid doesn't have a sibling to play with all the time, an automatic best friend and buddy with which to spend their days.
The problem is that people don't share these parts of parenting. Parenting should be taken seriously and everyone should not be physically capable of even having babies. This is the hardest job and most/least rewarding at the same damn time! You don't get paid for the millions of hours you spend doing it. If there was a way to catch all of the tears you shed during your parenting years, each family could have an in-ground pool full of saltwater in their own back yard! The anguish we parents put ourselves through to make the best decisions for our babies is enough to give EVERY parent an anxiety problem, a heart problem AND breathing problems all in one. They make you feel like you have never lived before them and at the very same time like you want to die! You love and hate them in the same minute! The difficulty that you agree to adding to your lives by having children together is immeasurable.
Parenting is very rewarding and the fact that we were physically able to make a baby, the way our bodies are supposed to do it, that God gave us these babies is amazing. I am still in awe of the whole process, while at the same time wondering about early retirement. I don't hate them, although I hate their behavior sometimes. I love them and adore them and I appreciate that God made them cute just so we let them live. I am grateful and thank God for them and in the same breath I pray to God that I can get through each day as their loving guide in life.
Parenting. IF the people who chose to do the job and do it well were paid, many of us would be millionaires. Today I feel like I might even be a billionaire.
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