I am struggling this week MEGA BIG TIME! Kid's behavior seems like they are practically ASKING Santa to bring them coal for Christmas. House seems like there are piles of junk everywhere. Walls need patching and painting and linoleum needs some work too. The cars seem like they are just old and boring. The decorations feel like they are cheap and cruddy. Things are broken and I haven't bought a new pair of tennis shoes since I was pregnant with Henry (who is almost 6!!)
Life feels completely overwhelming. Now I will be honest with you, I have some anxiety issues and I am on medication. It is so hard for me to admit because I have always viewed my struggles as a sign of weakness. I have tried to get off this medicine multiple times for many years (I really feel sorry for some of my ex-boyfriends) It took me a very long time to admit that I cannot deal with every day life without something to take the edge off. Anxiety so quickly turns to depression or vice versa, they are linked closely and there is a very fine line. I realized that keeping it to myself does no good for anyone. I realized that I need to talk about these struggles not only to gain support BUT more importantly to let people know they are so not alone.
Hubby and I worked so hard to make sacrifices so I could stay at home full time and raise our children. The piles of junk are there because I am busy with our children and our home. The painting and patching needs to be done because we are doing alot of living in this house. In fact, there is ALWAYS someone at home and I am grateful for that! The cars ARE old and boring but they are paid for, get great gas mileage, insurance is cheap on them and that is one sacrifice we made so I could STAY AT HOME. Some of the decorations ARE cheap but they are not cruddy, they are ours and the children ask about each and every one of them every year when we dig it all out. Did half of it come from the dollar store? Probably more than half but they make our home festive and warm and they mean something because of what they have allowed us to do for our family.
We realize that choosing to be a stay at home parent this day and age is not the popular choice. Many of us who make the choice do so because we love our children so intensely we can't imagine doing it any other way. Many of us do it because we had a parent who was home most of the time with us. Some of us realize that this job is so important we HAVE to figure out a way to be home more. Jon and I felt like it would be near impossible to run the kind of home we wanted, to spend the time we wanted and to have the MOST positive influence and have incredible experiences with our children without one of us staying at home. In fact, both of us are in complete awe of those who can both work AND manage the home, school, children etc... complete AWE.
Last night we were chatting about it because I am totally on the verge of a breakdown (just being honest here) and Jon made some incredible points that I want to share with you and the whole freaking world!
1. Stay at home parent used to be the ONLY way. It is not so anymore. It is actually a very serious and difficult "job choice" these days.
2. The world was a safer place and there wasn't as much worry. Kid's didn't have to even wear seat belts! They weren't getting snatched from their own yards or lured away by strangers. There weren't as many childhood diseases or worries about what they are eating, drinking or breathing for crying out loud.
3. There wasn't as much technology. Life was simpler PERIOD. The TV came on Saturday morning for a half an hour and then was off the rest of the day or even the week. There weren't computers and video games there was paper and pencils, puzzles and crayons, board games and chores. Everyone had to contribute in order to run the home.
4. This one really touched my heart. Jon said, what you do for a living doesn't "define" you. You are NOT this house just because that is what you are doing all the time. You are not this home just because you are making this place a home. You can't forget who you are and you have to do things for yourself. You are a woman with a sense of humor, a personality and gifts that go beyond this "job" and you need to nurture that.
This brought tears to my eyes. First of all because it was so sweet coming from him and it really hit the nail on the head. Mostly because I don't know who I am anymore! I don't even remember. I asked him "Hell, who am I?" He said "I remember you. The woman I fell in love with. The woman I CHOSE to be my family and was honored to have children with. The woman I still love that is just a little lost right now."
We all struggle ladies and gents. This job doesn't receive that pay it deserves but WILL pay off. The reason we are so stressed and upset and feel like failures is because... we give a shit! We care that our kids follow rules, learn the most they can in school, ask questions, treat people with respect. We care that they contribute to society, help others, give of themselves. WE CARE and not everyone does. Whether we stay home or work or whatever, the reason that parenting is so stressful is because WE take it seriously and WE just happen to be an elite group of folks.
I am going to continue to write, inspire and just make you laugh with my posts. I need this for me (free therapy) and if I can help any of you other parents out there, struggling mothers or fathers, single parents, friends of people with kids WHOEVER, I want to. YOU are not alone. I am right here 3 steps away from the loony bin too!
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